Different Person

I realized about a week ago that I am a completely different person than I was just a year ago. Specifics aside (as I'm not completely comfortable disclosing everything), I have been in conflict within my own mind for a few months now. It's the biggest thing I've dealt with in my brain since I was a teenager, and in some respects, I feel like I am a teen again. It's worst at work, when it's too quiet, and I catch myself listening to slow music that fucks with my head. I draw now, which a new development, and it's actually not bad. But only when I'm at work, which seems like it would kill my productivity, but seems to keep me on pace more than you'd think. It evens me out somehow, keeps my mind from drifting too far off-course. My husband & kids are the priority in my life & I love them more than words could ever say. My husband knows all about this conflict & is the most supportive person ever, given the circumstances.

Lately I've become paranoid. I used to think my husband was just crazy when he talked about things like the apocalypse, but now I just don't know. This economical recession is before us & I'm terrified something will happen to our new president, who gets sworn into office in a mere 8 days from now. And if nothing happens to him, can he handle what he's up against? Could anyone? I feel like if we don't fall further down, something else will happen....and soon. I began to watch something on some educational channel about Nostradamus's predictions & I had a panic attack, and couldn't watch more than about 10 minutes of the show. His world-changing prediction is scheduled for December 2012. Less than 4 years from now. I know it's irrational, but how do you tell the part of your brain that deals with the unknown that everything will be fine & the future will bring happiness? Mostly, I'm terrified for my kids. I can deal with the end of the world as we know it on my own, but what did I bring kids into this crazy world to have to endure? I guess we'll see?

The basic point I'm making is I don't know who, or what, I am anymore. Life is good. I should be happy, but I'm too confused to be happy. My husband & my kids come first. God, I can't begin to tell you how lucky I am to have the support of such an open-minded partner. He knows that people change, and that the world isn't always so forgiving to circumstance. Makes no sense, I know, but it's the way it is for me right now, so I'll play out the hand I've been dealt, keep my mouth shut, & smile. I'm still trying to stay positive, despite being confused about who I am today.