It's really late--after 4:00 a.m. I've had a hard time lately, which is funny, because I think I have more people there for me than I've ever had before. DJ has been awesome, Tab may be moving here, Jacquie & I have lunch about every 6 weeks or so, and I may be making a trip to Seattle in August to have a mini-reunion with friends from school. Somehow, I still feel a little lost with myself and where I'm at-and, with a fat thanks to Andrea, I don't know who I want to trust anymore. I'm struggling with my emotions every day. Most days I'm doing fine, but it's the down days that are REALLY fucking down. It's hard to live life like this. I need a REAL vacation, not the one I'm "looking forward" to taking in another week and a half where the only thing I can think about is spreading my dad's ashes. On one hand, I feel like I've said my goodbye to him. On another I have to be there for Mom and Luke, and this is definitely a situation where if I pass the opportunity, it'll never come back around again.

Every single day I struggle to get out of bed, make it through work, and I come home and face a world where it's just me.

Recently I came out as bisexual and Tony has always been there-except for when I say I'm going to the Gay Pride gathering & that's when he's all up in arms about how bi isn't gay. I told him he can't pick & choose when to be supportive-that pride is also about giving others the strength to come out & know they're not alone.

Random thoughts tonight, I guess, and I'm off to make Tony's coffee for work in the morning and face feeling guily for making it to bed so damn late at night.