I feel like I am continually taking a face-plant in a pile of shit. Every day. Don't know why, things are going....well, alright, at best. The only thing that seems to feel great are Tony, and a couple of friendships. Otherwise, I basically feel like I have no friends, no life, no money, no time, no patience, and I'm seriously running on fumes. If my doorbell rings, I will seriously hide for not knowing who is on the other side. But, then, of course, my wonderful children will open the door for the nice stranger who is only there to take pictures of our house, serve me papers, repo our van, or in some other manner collect a check. I will get out of this soon enough, I know, & I'll be smarter on the other side...I hope. My kids are making me crazy-they just can't see that Tony & I have hit a serious wall with them & soon it's going to be every man (or me) for themselves soon. I keep trucking, at work just happy for the relationships I've built there. That's what keeps me going night after long fucking night. I am thinking I will have to try to transfer to days when Eli gets to 1st grade. I am hoping I'll have enough time for helping with his school-work when he only does 1/2 days, but full days are going to be too hard. I go on "vacation" in 2 weeks...... God, someone, give me any fucking excuse to get out of any of this. I am dreading this so much it's scary. I am so glad I go to the doc before then, because if I can help it, she will give me Xanax for the trip! LOL! (Seriously.) I'm just in a bad place. I'm confused about life in general, broke, & dreading the only week I have off until next year. Rad. I will keep dreaming of a beach with some kind of pretty-colored, bottomless, strong, alcoholic drink in my hand while I work only on my tan & my reading time. No kids, no work....Fuck, no husband. Maybe a friend. Dream, dream, dreammmmm...... (Goodnight!)