I haven't given myself any time to think about it at all. I want to be with Tony when I let go, but he is afraid of that for some reason. I'm sad, but I'm numb. I won't let everything sink in. I haven't admitted to myself that Dad is gone. I have an emotional wall & it's making me kind of.....I don't know..... spacey, maybe. Distracted. I guess I need to be here for my family. I don't know what the hell to think. I don't think, mostly. I make sure to call Mom every day, and that's really important to me. I kind of float around each day & I'm worse than I was before, but I'm distracted in a whole different way now. Mostly, I guess, I'm distracted with distracting myself. God, I feel like I'm going in circles. Mom seems okay. Better than I thought she'd be, although when I'm talking to her, I put on my strong voice, so maybe she does the same thing for me. I hope not, I really hope she's doing as well as she sounds. I'm so glad Luke is there. I wish I were. I don't know how to deal with it all. I don't know how to let myself go, but I do know that I really want to. Mostly I don't want to be alone, but, except for being with the boys, I mostly am when I'm home. I REALLY don't want to have it happen at work. I truly do want to just have it be Tony & me, but he keeps booking up every moment together with stuff & people. I even called him on it several times, that he's just afraid to be alone with me, and he doesn't deny it. It hurts a little that he seems like he doesn't want to be there for me. And I know it's not that, but it feels like it. Guess until I know what to feel or how to be happy, I can't blame Tony for my confusion. I guess nobody is to blame, it's just really hard. And I'm going to stop now just because if I keep going I will need to be ready, and I'm not.