Hmmm. Well, I can't sleep. I have been suddenly been pouring out all the tears I have held back all damn day. I'm scared. I'm understanding how Tony felt a year & a half ago (although, I hope I'm a little more optimistic). My dad suddenly has a brain tumor. What the fuck does that mean?! I know I'm more than a little loaded & rambling & I really don't give a fuck. I have to leave first thing in the morning & I can't even begin to get any damn sleep. Coffee, I need to make coffee for the drive. I need to make sure we grab everything we need. Luke needs me there, Mom needs me there. I know Tony is coming back on Sunday. I know I'm not. He offered to leave me there for a week. I say I want to be with him, and that's completely true. But.........I won't be able to leave once I'm there. They'll give test results, prognosis. I won't be able to leave. I'm really afraid. I'm afraid they'll give him weeks & I'll lose my job choosing to stay by his side. I'm afraid to ever leave. What will my mom do? Fuck, she can't even drive! What the fuck?! He's coherant when he's awake. Good sign. Seizures are a little less predictable. He had 3 after he got to work this morning. Do I thank the seizures since that's what told us about everything, or do I fear the next one's arrival? I'm pissed, I'll tell you that much! I don't really know why, but I am. Every single other event in my life, I remember praying. Now, for the life of me, I can't even begin. Everything. I tried. I tried. I can't muster anything. All the wonder I've had about religion lately has gone. I'm pissed. If they're is a God, where is He when someone is diagnosed with a fucking brain tumor?! And I know what goes through my head. And I know what I am going through. But what is Daddy going through? What is going through his head right now? Luke said he's sleeping a lot. I know Mom talked to him around 7 tonight & she had to explain, "There's a lesion on your brain. There is a mass on your lung that required a biopsy. We are going to be faced with decisions. Hard ones." She shouldn't have had to tell him, the doctor should have told him. She's not good at this. It's just her to try to stay strong. They didn't object to me saying I'm coming up. Hell, Luke called to thank Tony for bringing me. Mom said I'm stronger than I used to be. I'm not. I just wait for everyone to go to sleeep.