I'm feeling lost & alone lately. No job, no path, no money..... I've never done the "mom" thing, so I have no idea what I'm doing. Tony just lays around saying he'll change now that the situation has changed, and I get nothing. I am trying so hard to be a better parent, by following through with the things I have told the boys we'll do, but it seems like Tony's still stuck in the same path. Eli started school this week, and Tony seems to show little interest (which was a major concern of mine before I ever lost my job). He doesn't show me the respect I feel like he should in front of the boys, telling me to fuck off & calling me a bitch or a baby in front of them. No matter how much I tell him that's not acceptable. It really hurts my feelings & I know I don't deserve to be treated like that, but he's not always like that (at all), and most of the time we're just good. We work, we click, we're soul mates in every other way. I just wish he'd respect me~that's the one thing I feel like we lack....and it's the one thing that probably cuts deepest. I want to have a purpose, but now I just don't know what it is. I feel like he's going to treat me like a doormat now that I'm not the bread-winner for the family, which isn't fair, either. The past 2 years have been the hardest I've ever been through....well, not even 2 years, more like year & a half. I have friends.....they have lives & they're tired of listening to me whine. I can't blame them. If I could just get out of this rut....but it seems like every time I feel okay about the direction I'm ready to head in, something else kicks me back into the hole, laughs hysterically, and tells me, "Yeah, right, climb out now, you stupid bitch!:" It's like I'm always wearing a sign on my back. I'm tird of feeling lost & alone....I'm tired of feeling sad & tired. I had happiness all around me for awhile & I don't know where it went or why. And I don't know why I feel like Karma's bitch, since I truly didn't do anything to deserve it. I feel like my other option is being a bad person & just getting away with it like so many other people seem to so often. Why should they get to live their happy lives like a piece of shit & I live honestly & get shit on? Fuck this~I'm so through with it!